Birds and Bees Talk -- 11th Grade Style

Last weekend I was sitting at the table alone eating some lunch and our 11th grade son was close by in the kitchen putting together a sandwich and out of the blue he tells me about a 12th grade boy he hangs with now.  They are on the same sports team and sometimes gives him rides to get some food or back to my son's car after they have practice.

Son to me: "So Clay and I stopped by this fast food place to eat and he saw a server there who he used to know.  A couple years ago she was mad at him for not going out with her and for revenge she told her parents that he raped her.  She even had bruises on her arms she must have done herself and Clay had to get a lawyer that his dad knew.  He didn't do any of that."

Me, in my head: (WHAT ON EARTH??!!)

As parents you can relay and advise your kids on situations but I am seeing that this cerebral son of mine learns best and thinks about things that happen in conversations with other people and maybe not so much his parents.

So about this Clay person who is in 12th grade and who we have never even seen because they play a sport that is not a spectator sport......in all honesty this is a very fishy story to me.  Without knowing either of these two people, I side with the girl and my teen son believes his friend.

What young girl is going to tell her parent(s) that a named boy raped her and go through court unless it happened?  And what boy feels the need to tell my son everything he told him just because he happened to see this girl working there?  I asked my son, "If you didn't know this girl at all (he didn't--she goes to other school and may even be out of school now) why would Clay sit there and tell you everything about something that happened a while ago with this situation?"

This led to a discussion about what is date rape so we discussed that--how years ago no one would believe that someone who is dating or even married to someone could be raped.  That is when my son clarified they weren't even dating.  The whole story sort of baffled me.  But it did lead to a Very Good discussion between us.  And also has left me biased that this boy is not innocent.  An opinion formed on someone I never met, and I am sure I will meet him one day soon.  And thoughts of his parents....and us as parents.  With three children I have learned to never assume certain things I have heard about of other kids could never happen to my kid.

I do appreciate that this item was such on his mind--trying to process all of it--that he shared it with me out of the blue.  And then he continued with a different story.  He told me that when he was working at that restaurant (the one that hated to pay its busboys) there was a dishwasher who was in his early 20's and he told my son that when he was 18 his girlfriend was 17.  The girlfriend's parents got mad and pressed charges that he was 18 and having sex with their 17 yr old daughter.  So now this guy has a record as a sex offender.  My son said, "And it was consensual."

!!!!  Again my son hears about an incident that we could have told him about but he didn't "process it" until he heard it from a peer right in front of him.  So that led to another good conversation about how this is true about the age thing and right or wrong, that could happen, which is why when you make a choice to do something, you have to ask yourself--what is the worst thing that can happen.

Of course as soon as I could I relayed everything to Hubs, probably when he was in the shower, where so many of our conversations take place.  He was dubious of Clay's story too and a little while later I heard him asking our son questions of his own.

It would be so hard to not have Hubs to share in raising these boys.  There is always something going on.  There is always a lot to talk about.

 (sometimes I think about what different stories I would have if I blogged back when they were this little).